Loyalites

So, a couple days ago I was way more depressed than I am now. I had a comeplete breakdown and was having to fight to keep myself from crying, since living in a dorm is code for living in a fishbowl. Even if my roomates were gone, then one of my neighbors would inevitably stop by to ask me a question. So I spent a lot of time up on Alpha's sundeck. That's one thing that's nice about this dorm. It's the only one with a sundeck. And no one ever goes out there at night, so that's where I went to fall apart. That, and for times when I was practically hysterical, I jumped in the shower.

Then, randomly, my grandma sent me an envelope full of comics and jokes...like "how to fail with dignity". And then out of the blue, my friend called me. She was actually in the middle of stuff, but we were able to talk for half an hour, even though I didn't get any studying done for my psych test. oops. But at that point, I figured it would be better to not be crying through the whole test. Then I could at least think about the questions....

So yea. I guess things really aren't that bad and I haven't been forgotten by my friends. Yea, I know that sounds lame, but I always question how much I really am 'accepted' or loved, even by my best friends. And that was just kinda like a reminder that they actually do kinda like talking to me.

Actually, my whole doubt about how much people actually like me, probably stems back to when my younger cousins, who always want to hang out with me, started picking on me and making fun of me. My sheltered life hasn't included a lot of that and it may just be an elementary/middle school phase, but to have a 17 year old be made fun of by her 12 & 13 year old cousins?? To have my appearance made fun of and to not be left alone....and those are my COUSINS. They're in my life forever. If a friend gets tired of me, they can just leave. So, there's where all this doubt and depression really began; it's just accumulated and been bottled up until this point.