Some days, everything technically goes right. But, for some reason, even though I'm enjoying myself and with people I want to be with, I can still feel stressed and conflicted and generally upset.
Today is a complete emotional snow day.
I feel like I have so many thoughts running in my head, so many complications, so much stress, so much worry, and so much longing, and I just need to sort it all out.
Well, maybe "sort it out" is the wrong phrase. Because I know what I want. I just can't have it. Which is hard to deal with. And I know that makes me sound like a whiny, selfish brat.
I'm tired. I was up till 4 last night, because after a lovely movie night with a friend, I was dropped off at my dorm, and immediately 'kidnapped' by some friends who saw me get out of the car. We went to the park, and I climbed on top of the jungle gym to give the cute-potential-couple some space. So there I was, at 1:30 in the morning, sitting on a playground, looking at the moon and stars and thinking about how much I wish I could change things I've done, and how much I wish I could just make things work out. It was depressing and exhausting.
And then we came back and I listened to my friend gush about how great this guy was and how well they clicked, and I was super happy for her. And it's obvious that he likes her and they're great together. And I was just jealous of the un-complicated state of it all. Plus, I hate to sound selfish again, but it really hurts when someone doesn't listen to what I say. Like, they spend the whole time talking and telling me things, and while I'm responding they're texting, and then just go back to talking. They didn't hear a word I said, and my being there doesn't actually make a difference. And if I dare have anything I want to talk about, they just turn the conversation back to their own lives.
Complication is a good thing I suppose...I mean, it helps us to grow and learn and become stronger, better people. I really do want to be a better person. I wish I could be like Paul and be totally joyous in the strife and issues I deal with. But Lord knows I'm not Paul. And I'm looking forward to the person God will make me to be, but I honestly am not enjoying the process. To be honest, I have no idea what God is doing or trying to strengthen me in. And it's kind of hard being able to see the powerful, violent waves crashing in and pushing me under, without being able to see the ending.
All that to say, I got 3 and a half hours of sleep, climbed out of bed, and collapsed on the couch. Turned on something totally random and kind of just cried on and off all morning. All day, really. After Singspo, I found it pretty hard to see out of my contacts. I'm glad I have friends who give me enough space to be by myself and think, but don't let me be alone long enough to get truly depressed.
I didn't really have that until this year. I mean, I had good friends, I just wasn't super close to them. And I don't know why, but this year has been amazing as far as my relationships with friends go. I've met so many amazing people, and grown so close to ones I already knew.
Which is marvelous. I get to be totally nerdy and be myself more than I did before. And I thank God for blessing me with such great friends.
And I found a little pamphlet in with my textbooks that has the Myers-Briggs personality type in it, and I've now taken it 3 times, and the other quiz I took when I was applying to be an RA I took 2 times, and each time from those quizzes I've gotten ENFP, which I was having an hard time accepting because I got ESFP the first time I took the quiz. I think intuitive is more "me" than sensing though. I can't think of a single time that I have read a HUGE amount into things people said or did and interpreted them. So that was overwhelming for no apparent reason.
But I'm still exhausted. And there is still a heavy flurry of confusion and frustration and complications. I realized that I actually may NEED to be selfish right now. It may be healthy for me to turn off my phone and not listen to everyone else's problems right now. I always am the one everyone runs to talk out their frustration or excitement. And I'm not complaining; I really do sincerely enjoy listening and offering advice if someone wants it (or just hugs if they don't). It's just that I am currently so overwhelmed by everything that's been building up over the last few months that I'm afraid I'm going to snap. I noticed that all day long I wasn't paying attention to anything anyone was saying. And I felt like just avoiding everyone. I don't want to get to the point of being short and snippy with people, so I think it's probably best if I just pay attention to my own emotional needs for a couple of days. If I just focus on taking to God - crying and yelling and whining - for a bit, I'll probably be much easier to deal with.
Therefore, I am taking an emotional snow day.
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