Is it enough...?

Maybe we don't ever fully recover from grief.

Maybe we experience relapses randomly. When we least expect it. When we don't realize that that's what's been bothering us for the last week.

I don't feel like my pain is merited or that I deserve to be grieving.

Even though I've been heavily depressed and apathetic for the last week. I tend to blame depressed moods on stressful days or being frustrated with petty circumstances. Even though I've never had huge mood swings before and I've always rolled my eyes at the petty dramas.

I just don't feel like I'm qualified to be grieving.

Every time I stumble upon a photograph, I get choked up.

I start to feel like it was forever ago. I start to move on. I'm fine.
And then I start getting more distracted from accomplishing work. I start to obsess over something that really doesn't need my attention. I start crying when I'm alone. I start having difficulty sleeping.

And I really don't feel like I'm a qualified person to feel this grief still.
Like I should be over it by now.
Like it shouldn't pain me so.

I wish there was an easy way to label the different ways people grieve. That I could go "Oh, that's how I grieve. Cool. I'm done." I don't like the fact that I'm never able to say why I do something, why I like something, or why I feel the way I do.
I just feel.



I don't know why I'm posting this. I know I'll probably regret it in a couple days.