Changes

"Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild, a million dead end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet..."
- Changes, David Bowie

As of this morning, I have officially left the Torrey Honors Institute. Some people might say "I told you so" and others might be thinking this is the dumbest thing I've done yet.

In a way, I agree with both sides.

I love Torrey. I love the fact that I had a group of 15 people that I was able to grow very close to over the last year and a half. I love having discussions on literature and pushing back on the texts. I love the fact that it's based on the Oxford model. I love having the opportunity to read these amazing, great books that are so important to history. I love all of the traditional Torrey events. I love the different teaching styles that the Professors have, and the way that they work along with you. I have learned a lot, I know that, even though it's harder to see the progress of learning, since everything meshes together in the end.

However. I have been struggling in my other classes. I typically have a day or two to read the next book for class, which means I have to read it very quickly. But then, I miss most of what the book is about and am not able to soak in everything the author wants to convey. In any case, by the time I am done reading and done with my notes, it's very late. And, at that point, I still haven't gotten to study for any tests I have coming up. Most nights I went to bed around 2 or 3 in the morning. And then I had class at 8:30. I would like to say that I can go on that amount of sleep, but I really can't. Not when that's every night. I need sleep. When I go to bed around 12 or 12:30, I can actually get up at 7:30. And then get ready for the day and get things done.

I am sure that part of the lack of sleep and in-ability to accomplish other things is due to the fact that I've been taking 12 units or Torrey. Which is technically, full time, on top of any other classes I need. And next semester goes down to 4 units. I would just have to get through one more semester of the madness. But then I would never get to take a Bible class.

And I came to Biola because I wanted a Bible education. I want someone to tell me what they know about the Bible. What they have learned through their years, and to help me with my questions and uncertainty.
In Torrey, we read the Bible at the end of every semester. Just as with any other text, you read the current book of the Bible (like Romans), take notes on it, and then come to class to discuss it. So, at the end of session, all I've gotten is what I can see on my own, the ideas of my peers, and any background research I had time to do.

And just, in general, my soul has been unhappy. I know that sounds very very cliche, but it's very true. I have felt ill-at-ease, in despair, lost, unstable...

And I feel like I know nothing about the Bible. I really do not want to graduate from the Bible Institute of Los Angeles, and not know anything about the Bible. I don't have space to take Bible as an elective if I were to stay in Torrey, and I feel that it is much more important that I take Bible than discuss the writings of Pascal and Milton...as important as it is that I Should read those books and learn about them, I do not feel that this is the right time to do so.